March 28, 2012

"For many years I have suffered with depression. Over the past 9 months or so it has slowly gotten worse. I went to my Dr. last week to get on some medicine. He gave me a couple of prescriptions, which I took on Sunday evening (the 25th). That night I had extreme reactions to the medicine. Panic attacks, psychotic episodes, vomiting, diahreea, and the list goes on. This has been going on since then. It is very frustrating and slowly wearing me down! I can’t be left alone and I can’t do even simple daily tasks.
I am working with my Dr. to try and get things balanced out but I am not sure how much longer it will take. I think the reaction to the medicine triggered something in me. My husband has been an amazing help, staying up with me at night and taking care of the kids. But he also has work and other obligations he needs to take care of. "
*that was a little blurb from an email I had to send to the kids' teachers.
Today is April 26th and I am still trying to repair what happened a month ago. As I type this, I have spent a few hours of what I shall refer to as "hell". Anxiety attacks, diahreea, vomiting, psychotic thoughts. Sometimes even bordering on suicidal.
I have realized that as I have come back out into the real world, my mind isn't healed yet. Should I say "mind" or "heart" cause it feels like both. I have spent the past few days trying to work in our school Book Fair. I am currently on the PTA Board and there has been a lot going on as we try to prepare for next year. But as I have dealt with these normal everyday frustrations, I find myself spending the night in "hell". What the????
I have no idea what is going on and I am just trying to hold on till the end of school. Then Bret is done with work for the summer and the kids don't have school to be there for. I can fall apart or whatever it takes to get better. (and if I have a moment of truthfulness here, that scares the holy hell out of me)!
I just sent an email out to my other Board members and "let go" of more of my life. I can't do PTA or all the extras because of how sick I am in my head.

In the past week I have spend 4 of those days sick and broken. I am done! :( 
time to go be sick some more. *sigh*