The depression has morphed. I no longer get sad, but I cry at everything!!!! I think people have come to expect it of me. :) I hate the numb feeling of being on medication (when I've been on it), but I am hating this new all emotion all the time feeling. Is there a middle?
My anger has gotten worse. I try not to fly off the handle with the people too much, but I have no patience for stupid things. This leads me to becoming more anti-social. I don't like people very well. It's hard to explain. I really do like people, I just don't have the patience or energy to deal with them.
My anxiety has turned ugly too. I realized that I wasn't handling my illness very well when I locked myself in my craft room and had an "episode". Rocking in my rocking chair in short quick rocks, clenching my fists so hard that I left scratches on my palms, and hitting my head repeatedly with my fists. All the while crying and screaming into my pillow.
And now, not quite 9 months later, I am embarrassed. I question my desire to share all my ugly truths with the world. It's scarey, having your sick skeleton out there for anyone to see. Why did I start this? (shrug) I guess I am hoping that sometime, someday, someone will understand. Someone will see what it really is like and understand - either for themselves or for someone they love.
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