I am hopeful that I have hit on some really good stuff. Cross your fingers!! :)
I have been taking St. John's Wort and Vitamin D pills for 3 days now. I feel a change. At least I hope I feel a change. The St. John's Wort seems to be a big help (I take it 3x's a day). I had a really good day yesterday and then in the evening, I started to get antsy and agitated. I could feel the anxiety starting. I realized that I hadn't taken the St. John's Wort @ dinner. I took some and withing about 20 minutes I started to feel less anxious. A little while after that I put some doTerra oil (Balance) on my feet and wrists and crawled into bed. Niiiiiice!!!! I slept all night long and woke up feeling refreshed and peaceful.
Please, oh please let this be an answer to my prayers!!!!
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
March 28, 2012
"For many years I have suffered with depression. Over the past 9
months or so it has slowly gotten worse. I went to my Dr. last week to get on
some medicine. He gave me a couple of prescriptions, which I took on Sunday
evening (the 25th). That night I had extreme reactions to the medicine. Panic attacks,
psychotic episodes, vomiting, diahreea, and the list goes on. This has been
going on since then. It is very frustrating and slowly wearing me down! I can’t be left alone and I
can’t do even simple daily tasks.
I am working with my Dr. to try and get things balanced out but I am not sure how much longer it will take. I think the reaction to the medicine triggered something in me. My husband has been an amazing help, staying up with me at night and taking care of the kids. But he also has work and other obligations he needs to take care of. "
*that was a little blurb from an email I had to send to the kids' teachers.
Today is April 26th and I am still trying to repair what happened a month ago. As I type this, I have spent a few hours of what I shall refer to as "hell". Anxiety attacks, diahreea, vomiting, psychotic thoughts. Sometimes even bordering on suicidal.
I have realized that as I have come back out into the real world, my mind isn't healed yet. Should I say "mind" or "heart" cause it feels like both. I have spent the past few days trying to work in our school Book Fair. I am currently on the PTA Board and there has been a lot going on as we try to prepare for next year. But as I have dealt with these normal everyday frustrations, I find myself spending the night in "hell". What the????
I have no idea what is going on and I am just trying to hold on till the end of school. Then Bret is done with work for the summer and the kids don't have school to be there for. I can fall apart or whatever it takes to get better. (and if I have a moment of truthfulness here, that scares the holy hell out of me)!
I just sent an email out to my other Board members and "let go" of more of my life. I can't do PTA or all the extras because of how sick I am in my head.
In the past week I have spend 4 of those days sick and broken. I am done! :(
time to go be sick some more. *sigh*
I am working with my Dr. to try and get things balanced out but I am not sure how much longer it will take. I think the reaction to the medicine triggered something in me. My husband has been an amazing help, staying up with me at night and taking care of the kids. But he also has work and other obligations he needs to take care of. "
*that was a little blurb from an email I had to send to the kids' teachers.
Today is April 26th and I am still trying to repair what happened a month ago. As I type this, I have spent a few hours of what I shall refer to as "hell". Anxiety attacks, diahreea, vomiting, psychotic thoughts. Sometimes even bordering on suicidal.
I have realized that as I have come back out into the real world, my mind isn't healed yet. Should I say "mind" or "heart" cause it feels like both. I have spent the past few days trying to work in our school Book Fair. I am currently on the PTA Board and there has been a lot going on as we try to prepare for next year. But as I have dealt with these normal everyday frustrations, I find myself spending the night in "hell". What the????
I have no idea what is going on and I am just trying to hold on till the end of school. Then Bret is done with work for the summer and the kids don't have school to be there for. I can fall apart or whatever it takes to get better. (and if I have a moment of truthfulness here, that scares the holy hell out of me)!
I just sent an email out to my other Board members and "let go" of more of my life. I can't do PTA or all the extras because of how sick I am in my head.
In the past week I have spend 4 of those days sick and broken. I am done! :(
time to go be sick some more. *sigh*
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Med War
I HATE taking meds!!! Can I just say that? :)
Here is my attitude on medication for mental illness...
Depending on the individual and the severity of the illness, it could be necessary to be on certain meds. I know some people who will probably need to be on medication for the rest of their lives. I think that is ok! It is better to be mentally happy on medication than it is to be "clean" and crazy. :)
I have been on different medicines throughout my life. I hate the side effects though. On most things I have tried I have felt numb; dead emotionally. It took a lot of energy to feel anything. And although I hate my depression, I love being the heart-felt person that I am at my core. And when I have decided that I am done with certain meds, I have gone cold turkey (a HUGE no-no) at times and have weened myself off at other times. I have also used different methods of managing my emotional state. Mostly being careful of my what obligations or things I let into my life.
In the past I have been one of those people that have gone above and beyond when helping others. I remember helping a woman that had been in a car accident. At first I felt happy and grateful to be helping. But then after a few weeks, she became someone that took advantage of me. I was driving 80 minutes in the morning to pick up her 3 kids (I had my 4 with me) and then watching them for about 8 hours a day. Then I would cook her dinner and driving another 80 minutes to take them home. 5 days a week. Her attitude changed as I served her family. She expected me to do what I was doing. Even going so far as to criticize some of the meals I had cooked.
After a mini break down and a household that was falling apart (not to mention my kids and their sadness), I said no.
I have had friends that only called me when they needed something and friends that wanted me to always watch their children. Finally the dam broke! "No" became my favorite word. And you know what? I needed to learn it! The problem was that I had the pendulum effect. I went from one extreme to the other. No happy medium.
Now, my first reaction is to say no, but I have learned to pause and evaluate what I can or can not handle at the moment. Hopefully I am reaching the happy medium - filling my emotional needs and feeling the joy of helping others.
As for meds and what needs to happen for me... I am not sure. I will share my recent medication situation in my next post. But I am thinking of trying some herbal and more holistic solutions to my mental state. That might be a fun thing to embark on. I will keep you posted on what I try and the results. Maybe I can find a natural way to balance myself out. That would be nice. :)
Here is my attitude on medication for mental illness...
Depending on the individual and the severity of the illness, it could be necessary to be on certain meds. I know some people who will probably need to be on medication for the rest of their lives. I think that is ok! It is better to be mentally happy on medication than it is to be "clean" and crazy. :)
I have been on different medicines throughout my life. I hate the side effects though. On most things I have tried I have felt numb; dead emotionally. It took a lot of energy to feel anything. And although I hate my depression, I love being the heart-felt person that I am at my core. And when I have decided that I am done with certain meds, I have gone cold turkey (a HUGE no-no) at times and have weened myself off at other times. I have also used different methods of managing my emotional state. Mostly being careful of my what obligations or things I let into my life.
In the past I have been one of those people that have gone above and beyond when helping others. I remember helping a woman that had been in a car accident. At first I felt happy and grateful to be helping. But then after a few weeks, she became someone that took advantage of me. I was driving 80 minutes in the morning to pick up her 3 kids (I had my 4 with me) and then watching them for about 8 hours a day. Then I would cook her dinner and driving another 80 minutes to take them home. 5 days a week. Her attitude changed as I served her family. She expected me to do what I was doing. Even going so far as to criticize some of the meals I had cooked.
After a mini break down and a household that was falling apart (not to mention my kids and their sadness), I said no.
I have had friends that only called me when they needed something and friends that wanted me to always watch their children. Finally the dam broke! "No" became my favorite word. And you know what? I needed to learn it! The problem was that I had the pendulum effect. I went from one extreme to the other. No happy medium.
Now, my first reaction is to say no, but I have learned to pause and evaluate what I can or can not handle at the moment. Hopefully I am reaching the happy medium - filling my emotional needs and feeling the joy of helping others.
As for meds and what needs to happen for me... I am not sure. I will share my recent medication situation in my next post. But I am thinking of trying some herbal and more holistic solutions to my mental state. That might be a fun thing to embark on. I will keep you posted on what I try and the results. Maybe I can find a natural way to balance myself out. That would be nice. :)
Monday, April 16, 2012
Today
I will share more of my recent past a little later. I have to leave in a few minutes to get the kids from school. But I am in a calm mood today. I have been productive and actually doing things that a real mom does. This is a big step for me recently. I am proud of myself and hopefully I am getting back on track (relative term).
One thing I want understood though - although we might be broken, we still are special. YOU have value and talents and are needed in this life!! Don't dwell too much on the parts of you that are broken, focus on the goodness.
I realized that this blog might start out negative as I share where I've been and how I am doing in regards to my depression. But I want to be positive as well.
Take a moment and think on your goodness. Smile. And have a good day.
One thing I want understood though - although we might be broken, we still are special. YOU have value and talents and are needed in this life!! Don't dwell too much on the parts of you that are broken, focus on the goodness.
I realized that this blog might start out negative as I share where I've been and how I am doing in regards to my depression. But I want to be positive as well.
Take a moment and think on your goodness. Smile. And have a good day.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
about nine months ago
The depression has morphed. I no longer get sad, but I cry at everything!!!! I think people have come to expect it of me. :) I hate the numb feeling of being on medication (when I've been on it), but I am hating this new all emotion all the time feeling. Is there a middle?
My anger has gotten worse. I try not to fly off the handle with the people too much, but I have no patience for stupid things. This leads me to becoming more anti-social. I don't like people very well. It's hard to explain. I really do like people, I just don't have the patience or energy to deal with them.
My anxiety has turned ugly too. I realized that I wasn't handling my illness very well when I locked myself in my craft room and had an "episode". Rocking in my rocking chair in short quick rocks, clenching my fists so hard that I left scratches on my palms, and hitting my head repeatedly with my fists. All the while crying and screaming into my pillow.
And now, not quite 9 months later, I am embarrassed. I question my desire to share all my ugly truths with the world. It's scarey, having your sick skeleton out there for anyone to see. Why did I start this? (shrug) I guess I am hoping that sometime, someday, someone will understand. Someone will see what it really is like and understand - either for themselves or for someone they love.
My anger has gotten worse. I try not to fly off the handle with the people too much, but I have no patience for stupid things. This leads me to becoming more anti-social. I don't like people very well. It's hard to explain. I really do like people, I just don't have the patience or energy to deal with them.
My anxiety has turned ugly too. I realized that I wasn't handling my illness very well when I locked myself in my craft room and had an "episode". Rocking in my rocking chair in short quick rocks, clenching my fists so hard that I left scratches on my palms, and hitting my head repeatedly with my fists. All the while crying and screaming into my pillow.
And now, not quite 9 months later, I am embarrassed. I question my desire to share all my ugly truths with the world. It's scarey, having your sick skeleton out there for anyone to see. Why did I start this? (shrug) I guess I am hoping that sometime, someday, someone will understand. Someone will see what it really is like and understand - either for themselves or for someone they love.
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Broken In Me
Approximately 18.8 million American adults, or about 9.5 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year, have a depressive disorder.Nearly twice as many women (12.0 percent) as men (6.6 percent) are affected by a depressive disorder each year. These figures translate to 12.4 million women and 6.4 million men in the U.S.Women between the ages of 25-44 are most often affected by depression with a major cause of depression in women being the inability to express or handle Anger.Depression affects all people regardless of age, geographic location, demographic or social position.Depressive disorders are appearing earlier in life with the average age of onset 50 years ago being 29 whereas recent statistics indicate it at just 14.5yrs in today's society.Over the years it has shown itself in many ways. I am sure I had depression as a child/teen, but it didn't completely surface until after I was married. I remember having depressing thoughts and even some suicidal thoughts. I often reflect on why I never really "became" a broken person till later. I am sure there are many different reasons, but the biggest one was simply this...
I was LOVED!!! My family was poor and crazy and large (5 kids) but I knew without a doubt that I was loved completely!! My father often held 2 or more jobs to provide for us and to keep my mom at home. He played silly little games with us and called me his Princess.
My mother devoted every second of every day to making us feel love and peace. She often went without her own needs to see that we had ours. And to this day, aside from my husband, she is my best friend.
This blog is my new journey. It is my way of dealing with "the broken in me" and sharing what it's like being broken. If you also suffer from mental illness or have a loved one with mental illness and you would like to share, feel free to email me.
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